How To Beat Leadership Loneliness, Stress Less and Find More Enthusiasm Every Day

You have heard “It’s lonely at the top”. But, it doesn’t have to be so — if you stop allowing leadership loneliness to brew, spill over to life and affect your mental health.

Many addictive behaviours and harmful habits arise out of leaders try to compensate for loneliness, boredom and “self-deficit”. You can see a whole set of business establishments that’s designed to tap this “market segment”. However short-term measure can only provide symptomatic relief.

Can leaders really avoid loneliness and its much dreaded consequences?

Yes, by making conscious choices and preparing early for the long-term.

Years ago, a question from a close friend, woke me up to the reality of “Leadership Loneliness”.

Back then, I was in the midst of a major project and was feeling down and rudderless. To talk through my situation, I called a trusted friend. For over an hour, I was apparently ‘whining’ about my work, the problems and lack of clarity on the path forward.

After listening patiently, he asked: “Manoj… What do you do each day other than work?”

To me, that was the most enlightening question I heard till then. Sometimes, we get so immersed in our day-to-day never-ending leadership challenges that we forget to make concrete plans to engage and disengage our minds. While running around picking balls, we do not ‘walk-the-talk’ of work-life balance by role-modelling behaviour.

I wrote down the above question on the top of my action plans. “Manoj… What do you do each day other than work?”

That also made me notice that the many problems leaders face, has its roots in mindless work and unstated loneliness that’s the inevitable end-result of rudderless actions.

Out of curiosity, I have since consciously asked the leaders I meet or mentor, “What do you do each day other than work?”

In this article, I have enumerated a list of activities and strategies for you that will help you to avoid leadership loneliness and cope with it whenever you face it. Remember to bookmark this page, read this now and get back to this when you need it.

… not a therapist

During one of my coaching sessions, a senior leader said “Last week, I was trying to reach you. Since I couldn’t get on your calendar, I called my therapist”. I said “Hey, But I am not a therapist.” She said “I really needed talk to someone. My friends were not picking up my calls.” The point is…

Everyone needs someone to talk to. This is an early warning sign of leadership loneliness — a need to talk to someone and not finding one.

So, if you have identified loneliness in your life, you are not alone. Just that, only a few are bold enough to admit it and take proactive action to enhance their well-being.

According to Johann Hari, “we are the loneliest society in human history”

Loneliness is a feeling that can affect any leader, at any time, almost anywhere. It can be hard to cope with and can have a negative impact on your mental and physical health. But it doesn’t have to be this way.

Here are 19 ways to beat leadership loneliness so that you will stress less, feel good, combat feelings of isolation and achieve peak performance every day.

(Some of these might sound counter-intuitive or not suitable for you. Suspend your judgment and just implement what works for you and discard the rest. If you have any questions, or need more information, just comment below the article or send me a DM. Happy to help.)

1. Create value each day. Conscious contributions can make you feel more useful, resourceful and validated. For at least 2 hours each day, focus on tasks that full engages you. Set yourself up to get into a “flow state” where your attention is fully absorbed. Many busy leaders I have met, deliberatively find the time by starting their day early for doing such work. This gets them to start each day with that “winning” feeling. You will feel better if the activity you choose, utilises your creative faculties and you are fully engaged.

2. Consciously Reduce interaction time with people who drain your energy. Your environment influences your mood. Some people raises your energy, others do the opposite — often unintentionally. The best leaders I have met, consciously nurture their well-being. It’s best to keep an eye on your environment and the energy you are getting exposed to. For example, I have a close friend who used to call me end of each day to tell me how bad his day went. He never appreciates whatever good happens in his life and amplifies the negatives. It took me a long time to realise that I had gotten myself into a whirlpool that was affecting my own mood and energy. Furthermore, he was not implementing any of my suggestions and kept on playing the same tape every day. In such situations, I suggest, honesty is the best policy. By telling my friend how I felt about his behaviour and the impact its having on me, stopped his whining, without affecting our relationship. This approach is also in line with Psychologist Alfred Adler’s “Separation of tasks”, that’s cited as a means to build boundaries based on individual responsibilities.

3. Get a hug a day. You will feel better with a hug a day. If you get no hug, line up people you like to interact with and strive to reach out to at least one trusted connection each day. If you don’t feel like talking, just send a quick text or email to help you feel connected. [In a survey in US, when people were asked ‘How many close friends do you have who you could call on in a crisis?’ The most common answer was 0.] It’s time to find time for deepening good friendships and relationships. This is not easy for everyone, but hugely beneficial. Prioritise your relationships, by reaching out to key people regularly. The future holds many ‘interesting’ developments to fulfil the need for a hug and physical contact. If you have been gazing at the horizon you must have noticed that, businesses that offer “paid attention” through ‘AI enabled social robots’ and ‘professional cuddlers’ are on the rise. However, you would need way more than a hug to keep leadership loneliness at bay.

4. Find a Personal Mentor or Coach: Sometimes “Familiarity breeds contempt”. Often, people close to us are conditioned to see us in a particular way, based on our past interactions with them. People hold onto past perceptions and fail to notice how you have changed for the better. Therefore, some conversations with familiar others can come across to us as judgemental, triggering or aggravating. This in turn can make you become more closed up around people you know, increasing your feeling of loneliness.

As one Senior Executive told me “We crave for someone witnessing our struggles and successes. If we have someone who can understand us it can be easier to handle stress and enjoy the challenges that come with being a leader. When it’s a lonely endeavour, we tend to slack and lose our enthusiasm to do more.”

Here are two things to consider:

· Find an objective outsider who can listen to you and give you unattached suggestions in a non-judgmental way, you can deal with your challenges without the fear of judgement or ridicule.

· Keep yourself engaged on your next level leadership goals by gaining crystal clear clarity. You can start with a conversation at NextLevelClarity.com. This will help you to

1. Reflect on what you want to do, to have and to be in X months’ time.

2. Uncover the hidden challenges and blind spots on your path to progress.

3. Get an accountability partner who can help you in getting there in less time.

4. To get started, visit NextLevelClarity.com.

5. (Really) Know What You Want: Many people suffer needlessly because they never really figure out what they want. Where possible, opt to do the work that’s aligned with your strengths, values and beliefs. Seek meaningful work that makes you come alive and ask for directions when you are stuck. Once again, an objective outsider can help you gain perspective and deepen your self-awareness by holding the mirror for you.

6. Join a club or community. Whether it’s a social club, a sports team, or a special-interests group, being part of a community can help you feel more engaged and energised. Apparently, we are wired to need a tribe. Johann Hari says “Bee evolved to need a hive, humans evolved to need a tribe. We are the first humans ever to disband our tribes. And it is making us feel awful.” Be on the lookout for a community to be part of. One easy step in this area, that also contributes to your professional growth is to attend learning courses in your area of interest.

7. Enrol for a program or course that has an interactive component. Learning something new can be a great way to meet like-minded people, develop new friendships, and gain the guidance of a mentor. This will help you feel good, expand your horizons and develop productive lifelong habits. (Here is a list of courses and masterminds I lead that you can consider )

8. Volunteer without expectations. Helping others can make you feel better about yourself and develop connections with people who share your values. You will notice that one of the best exercises for the heart is to bend down and lift someone up. Helping others make you feel valued, wanted and fulfilled. The most common refrain on this is that “What if others keep taking advantage of me? What if they don’t return the favour?”. The help you render should have no strings attached. Whatever comes with strings attached, is not a contribution, its manipulation. (You might have met manipulators who force you to accept their favour and generosity, only to ask for way more in return). You do not have to help others with a sense of duty or sense of compulsion, but with a sense of freedom — you do it because you want to. The best way to grow in this direction is to focus on helping people who can’t return the favour — not because you have to, but because you opt to.

9. Never Miss Your Daily Exercise. Exercise releases endorphins, which can help boost your mood and make you feel better. The key is to make time to exercise, no matter how busy your schedule is. All the top leaders I have met exercise early in the morning. It is a must-have, not a nice-to-have. One leader said “I hate exercising. But I do it because I have to.”. Exercise has a dual impact on your body. It certainly helps you feel more energetic, but it also makes you more productive and creative. With increased focus, energy, productivity and creativity, you will find it is easier to keep up with the demands emanating from your role.

10. Don’t Stay Indoors Always. Get out of the building. Going for a walk outdoors can help you break out of the loneliness cycle. Nature is a natural antidepressant. Standing barefoot on earth for few minutes can cause a palpable shift in energy. Apparently, indoors have less oxygen. I once read about a billionaire who keeps an air quality meter inside his home to monitor oxygen levels because he noticed how oxygen levels were affecting his health. One study revealed that “the average British child now spend less time outdoors than the average maximum security prisoner”. That’s something that reminds us of the scale of the problem we are facing. It’s time to make use of your freedom to get out and embrace nature.

11. Actual Therapy Is Better Than Retail Therapy. Many people develop feelings of “Self-Deficit”. This is a leading cause for impulsive purchases, binge shopping and compulsive gadget upgrades. To console your soul, talk to real people who listen. A qualified therapist can help you work through your feelings and provide support. Leadership loneliness is not a good feeling. You should do all that you can to prevent it from getting worse and bring you down. If you are experiencing leadership loneliness, talk to someone you trust. Don’t shy away from professional help.

12. Animals Help Humans. If you didn’t know yet, cow-cuddling is a popular activity in some farms that’s pitched as a way to improve well-being and dampen feelings of loneliness. Who would have thought? No, you don’t need to buy a cow yet! Animals in general, and pets in particular, can provide unconditional love, sense of validation, connection and companionship. Many leaders profess they feel better after spending time with animals. Finding ways to play with a neighbour’s pet could be a low-cost, no-overhead way to get this going.

13. Prepare Your Ready Recovery List: Make a list of activities that you enjoy and make sure to do at least one of them each day. When you are bored, avoid taking to tech by default. Taking breaks from technology can reduce impulsiveness and improve your overall well-being. One cost-effective tip is to have separate work devices and personal devices. Uninstall all non-vital applications from all your devices. Stop letting work related messages enter your personal spaces.

14. Slow Down To Speed Up. We all have a natural tendency to be swept by the never-ending chain of unfolding events and end up in a hamster wheel without even noticing it. Practice mindfulness. Mindfulness can help you make more conscious choices by focussing on the present, appreciating the small moments and movements. Just like a car cannot keep running without refuelling, no woman/man can run without stopping, reflecting and recharging; thereby, reassuring they are on the right track. (If you are willing to go really far on this track of slowing down to make conscious choices, you can reach the state of elegant nobility, endearing humility and absolute fearlessness.)

15. Gratitude is Uplifting. Make a gratitude list. Writing down the things that you are grateful for. If possible, start and end your day by going through this list. You can remind yourself that things are not as bad we make it out to be. Many things have occurred in our favour with some positively disproportionate to our effort. By being truly grateful for what you have, you can increase your energy and enthusiasm.

16. Follow your daily routine diligently. One CEO, I used to meet at 7:30am in the morning for our meetings at his home, always completes his morning routine, before our meeting(while I opt to skip parts whenever I am in a rush or travelling). Being consistent in your daily routine is one of the best ways to take control of your life and influence its trajectory.

17. Reconnect with old friends. Reconnecting with good old friends can help you feel connected, energised and less alone. Proactively plan for these encounters.

18. Talk to neighbours: In urban communities, neighbours are mostly ignored and even seen as a nuisance to avoid. But, neighbours are the closest people who can help you in times of need. I often ask leaders to “Dig your wells and build your bridges long before you need them”. Nurturing key relationships is a key step to get the help you need when you need it the most.

19. Stop Self-Isolation. When you feel lonely, and allow automatic negative thoughts (ANTs), you are only making a bad situation worse. Force yourself to get out and meet people. Remote work habits need to be compensated with activities that alleviate self-isolation.

According to professor John T. Cacioppeo, once the world’s leading expert on loneliness cites “being acutely lonely releases as much cortisol(stress hormone) as being punched in the face by a stranger”.

Conclusion

For any leader, loneliness is a known occupational hazard. It can be difficult to maintain relationships and build meaningful connections while managing a busy work schedule and taking on the responsibilities of leadership.

Planning early with consciously chosen healthy coping strategies helps you avoid unhealthy coping strategies that becomes — the default option and dangerous habit.

In the end, it’s not lonely at the top, if you act fast to define a plan that will define your days — and determine your destiny.

What do you do each day other than work? Let me know in comments below.

About the Author

Manoj Vasudevan is an internationally renowned Next Level Leadership Readiness expert, management consultant, and the World Champion of Public Speaking. He helps executives and entrepreneurs to break through to the Next Level in career, business, and life. Manoj is known for his expertise in simplifying complex topics into practical strategies. He is the CEO of Thought Expressions and holds an MBA from Imperial College, London. Manoj speaks at international conferences, multinational companies, universities, and around the world. As a coach, Manoj has a proven track record in personal transformation and breakthroughs. CEOs, Senior Executives, UN Diplomats, Celebrities & Professionals from over 50 nationalities have benefited from Manoj’s coaching. To contact the author’s team click here.